I love to celebrate valentines. It means a lot to us both and here's why.
Year 2000 had just begun and my boyfriend and I was still living apart. I was in England and Murat in Turkey. Every winter once the summer season was over Murat would come and stay with me in the UK normally for 3 to 6 months. We had been dating this way for 6 years. We were very happy and had a good relationship and having this long distance relationship suited us really well. We had been through a lot together. Murat was by my side when my dad got killed in a car accident just the day after Murat meet him and then in 1998 we suffered and Ectopic Pregnancy all which was very tough at the time. We rode the wave together and came out the other side.
I was approaching my 31st birthday and I was trying to figure how we could commit more deeply to each other. I knew that Murat loved his life in Turkey and I really loved my life in the UK and couldn't see myself living in Turkey at that time. I also knew I wanted to have children especially after loosing a pregnancy and seeing how that effected us both. But how we could commit was still uncertain. I didn't see any signs from Murat to commit deeper like engagement/marriage at this time and for me it was becoming more important for me to know my future. So I devised a plan.
2000 was a leap year and anyone who know's me or reads my blogs no that what ever I dream or envision become my mission and start chipping away to make it happen. I started to make plans to ask Murat to marry me. Now I didn't know back then that this is said to best done on the 29th of Feb so I arranged for it to happen on Valentine's day. Although I was totally anxious and I guess fearful as happy and secure I felt with Murat I had decided that if we couldn't, wouldn't make deeper plans together then as much as I loved him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him I was freeing him to follow his own path. I spoke with my close friends about my plan and where like 'go girlfriend' it was a huge move but one I felt was important to stay true to myself and live the life I dreamed off.
So as the day approached, Murat had no clue as to what was going on. I had it all planed I had booked a table at a new restaurant in Bath that a lot of my clients had been raving about. I mentioned to Murat that I had booked the day of from work on Valentines day to have a nice day together. I was starting to get quite nervous, and this began to feel like a really big thing..
I don't no if any one reading this has ever asked someone to marry them but blimey I can really feel for all the men out there that have. It is a really big thing to.. You are asking for total commitment with the one you love and your mind is happily reminding you of all the negative things that happen like he says NO. You are going to be alone, you may not find another love like this one blah blah blah..But for me this day was really important. I wanted to know my future, I have an old fashioned outlook on marriage and wanted to be married and have a family at 31 time was slowly ticking.
So the 14th came. We set of to the restaurant hand in hand, I had lost the ability to look him in the eye and he did ask several times if everything was all right. I was like yes every things fine in a high pitched voice.. Haha. Anyway we arrived, lovely place just a couple of other people in the restaurant the waiter came and handed us the menu and took our drinks order. I then started to think well when will be a good time to ask him. Should I do it now or enjoy the meal then ask him. My glass of wine came I took a big glug to help ease my nervousness.. Our drinks came we clinked glasses my stomach was in knots. I just had to get it over with and done with.
It's crazy I had been with this man for nearly 6 years we had a good relationship and I was so nervous but I went for it. I looked at him and said that there was a special reason for me to bring him here today as there is something I wanted to say, I mean ask. He looked at me with a frown as he had no idea. I took his hand in mine and that made him very suspicious he was smiling saying whats up and then it came out "WILL YOU MARRY ME" oh my god I did it I looked down at the table and waited what seemed like ages he was still holding my hand so that was good sign. I finally looked up at him and he was really smiling at me. I was thinking well, come on and he said YES, Shit he said yes it took a bit to sink in and I was like Yes, Really and he said of course I will marry you... Whoop whoop. What a feeling of complete relief and happiness and empowerment I felt. I had did it I had the biggest smile on my face.
We raised our glass and toasted our engagement In just that short moment of courage I was so proud of myself for really following my path and desires in taking my life in my own hands. We had a great meal with lots of smiling and excitement. My day had turned out perfect our relationship was going to the next level and I was getting married.
We married in April in Turkey that was 18 years ago :)
Living through your fears can always be done, nothing is to hard or difficult to work through, it is normally you that talks your self out of it or the thoughts of others that take you off your path or centre. Never discount what you know to be true in your heart. Follow your emotions, as they are your inner compass that will keep steering you forward to keep you living your truth, keep you safe and forever Joyous.
Enjoy your journey.
Namaste
Jo :)
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